Confusion, or Where Am I Going?
This has been a difficult period in my life. There have been many stressors – work, family, faith, church, and money to name a few. After an ever expanding amount of stress, I think I have reached a low point. It is now time to pick myself up.
Many of us have people we can share with, people who can help us to grow, change, tolerate, or overcome. I also have these people. My biggest problem is that when things get bad, I often lash out, or talk to the wrong people. Sometimes even close friends, confidantes, or people who are in the listening profession do not really understand what you are doing, where you are going, or what you need. People love to help. People love to give advice. But do they really listen?
When I finally have my moment to share with the right person, I realize all the damage I have been doing to myself and others in my frantic search for help. At that point, I find I am ready to grow, to change, and to pick myself back up. In other words, the straw finally breaks the camel’s back.
As I look at my current situation, I see things I cannot change. I cannot earn more money, nor can I change the way others behave. I cannot change the people who have authority in a given situation. I cannot turn back the clock to a better time. I cannot rid the world of the bullies, the people who make the rules, or the careless ones who do their own thing at another’s expense. I cannot make people act or do what is right. From this I see that 4 of the named stressors are completely outside of my control. All I can do is learn to live with a situation, work around a situation, or rise above a situation. Given these choices, I need to look at what is, and what can be. This also shows that I need to address the one stress left in that list over which I have any control – my faith.
My faith has been weakening lately. My prayer practices neglected. I have allowed stress to become an excuse for my lack of prayer. As I consider this, I know I need to act. The horrible part is that I am unwilling to act. I like having these excuses – or at least it seems as though I do. What caused this decline? I have to admit that the stressors outside of my control contributed heavily. A recent occurrence really threw me for a loop. But there was another cause – an inability to focus. I always deal with stress by finding ways to distract myself. I already had a distraction and I increased my use of that distraction. This may ring true for others as well. My distraction is a common one these days. Facebook. In particular, the Facebook Bird Misidentification Page. I love the snarky attitude and snappy, sarcastic humor of the people I have “met” through this page. I can – and sometimes do – spend hours reading through the posts, snorting coffee through my nose, or dissolving in a fit of laughter. Sounds good, doesn’t it? The problem is that I find my ability to focus on simple tasks like reading a book, or even getting up to move laundry, is just too much effort, requires too much concentration.
For Lent, I cut back Facebook use to one hour per day. That is still too much, but it did help a bit. I am reading again, however I am still using excuses far too often to do the simple things I need to do to bring myself back up. I guess now that Lent is over, I need to continue to cut back on Facebook. It will be difficult, it is a trap with no way out for me. As of tomorrow morning. I will be down to 45 minutes a day on FB – and I will use a timer to remind me. Next, I will take that extra 15 minutes and spend it in prayer of one form or another. I will also reinstate my evening journaling – a practice I have had for more than a year that has been completely neglected in my current state.
Now, for those stressors I cannot control. This will be more difficult and require more thought. I need to see ways to rise above the wrongs, the acts, the irritations. I need to find a remedy that works for me; to help me to be happy again.